 Welcome to the Gross Dachshund Division.
The GD clan are a World War 2 gaming
team, dedicated to wearing lederhosen, drinking large quantities
of beer and running in terror from anything that even slightly resembles
a battlefield.
This has grown to be a very big site. look around, have a bit of
fun and ignore everything.
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News
17 June 2006, posted by Doctor Jeep.
Green is GHEY (or, save water and the planet for all the babies and kids and stuff)
Now, back in my day of green protest we were worried about a lot of things: creeping urbanisation, roads through areas of specific scientific interest, benzene in the water. Loads of stuff, which incidentally is still going on.
I made a huge mistake last week of attending a "green fair" at a town local to my mother's. I wouldn't have gone myself with those things not generally being associated with free beer or loose women, but hey! she wanted to go ... and you never know your luck on those tombolas!
I ended up wanting to go and hit some beardies and menopausal women (a few there were a bizarre combination of both). Instead of them campaigning about little bits of plastic in the foodchain causing genetic abnormalities; or maybe about Union Carbide still killing little Indian people; or about a million other disgusting scandals which are really gonna shag us all up the ass in the years to come; they had loads of leaflets asking us to SAVE WATER. Including useful advice about putting bricks in your plumbing ... if it was up to me, that fucking brick could be used much more handily as a crude projectile.
Save water ffs! Right. Go to Spain. None of that crap. Nobody there is receiving letters from the water companies informing users that there is a huge water shortage. I mean ... SPAIN. that place is one big dustbowl where it hardly ever ever rains. Except on the plain.
so, at the same time as we get a letter telling us not to water our garden, friends of the earth launch a campaign for us to help save the planet by saving water as its, like, really precious, man. Not exactly a coincidence I am sure, as FotE are a registered charity and are probably owned by utility companies.
You know what I am gonna do? I am gonna use my hose like a maniac (no, not that hose). My garden is gonna be nice and green and I am gonna be a real asshole with a nice paddling pool. Its not my fault the french-owned utility companies are criminally mismanaging their fief. I can't vote those buggers out, about the best I can do is write a letter to my MP informing him that urbanisation is severely affecting ground water retention, that most of the water pipes leak and half the third world has come here to live all wanting fresh water and a nice little corner shop. I will add to him that I pay a huge amount in rates, PAYE, council tax, VAT, national insurance, water rates, corporation tax etc so that THEY WILL MANAGE BASIC SERVICES PROPERLY. I really cannot see that little fucker helping at all.
I will then get my letter, smear it with excrement, and attach it to the brick I just fished out of the cistern. Now, that's real democracy :)
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30 Apr 2006, posted by Doctor Jeep.
We love Mercury Games
Its great to see private enterprise fulfilling all of my cynical suspicions about it, and hats off to Terry and Leo from CDV UK for helping to disaffirm my faith in the games industry once again.
A couple of years ago or so, CDV closed down its UK office and the staff there set up there own games company, Digital Jesters. (CDV made the game sudden strike, so that how its all relevant). And they were NOT FIRED, despite what every said, a point made repeatedly on forums where they went around banning people who said they were. I repeat THEY WERE NOT FIRED, they were actually very very competent members of staff!
Digital Jesters went on to create some fantastic titles, for example "Crazy Frog Racer", where you get to enact the exploits of the world's favourite ringtone. After a bunch of shady dealings and some nasty legal run-ins with creditors and developers, digital jesters was ordered to be liquidated by the UK courts.
But! they just keep coming back! After all, with a company you can run up huge debts, take whacking great salaries and then just start a new one when it all goes tits-up. Leo Zullo and Terry Malham are the genius masterminds behind Mercury Games, who are proud to announce their hot new title ... Crazy Frog Racer!
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26 October 2005, posted by Doctor Jeep.
Hurrah, little froggies! no need to leave the water.
Lets just take a look at some the legislation that is coming through parliament very very soon:
- banning islamic jokes. yep, no more taking the mickey out of our tank top wearing suicide bombing cousins!
- Banning the sale of toy guns - because these are obviously worse than the real ones which you can buy in any pub in the country.
- Banning dirty and violent images from the internets - this means that not only will the country be miraculously free of pervs, but the government will never again be embarrassed about photos appearing of soldiers having dirty gay non-consensual sex with Arab prisoners of war.
- Id cards, a nice big govt database with all our biometric information on it. Instead of us having civil rights, we'll have rights subject to ownership of a valid ID card. and hey! guess what, we have to actually pay for this as a special tax!
- increased police powers, including a shoot to kill policy and the ability to detain anyone for 3 months without trial. Huh, the police are allowed to execute us now? sheesh. They can just drag us off the street and lock us up for no good reason? I suggest you all start being very nice to the boys in black.
and there is probably a lot more too.
Its almost grotesque, all this legislation, and by the end of this government's term we'll be in a proper police state. (I am all for that, as long as we get some decent silly hats and marching tunes). But what I reckon is that all these MPs and civil servants actually went to school reading rebellious and allegorical science fiction, and instead of being repelled by the horror of Brave new world or 1984 etc, actually thought it was all a jolly good idea. I can't imagine why else it would all be coming true.
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07 July 2005, posted by Doctor Jeep.
 Its all gone a bit MUSLIM
I have thought for a while that our nation's muslim minority, recently imported from various shitty third world countries, were largely nice, if a little strange, people with an amusing predeliction for ugly-ass brown shoes and stripey tanktops. Just the other day I marvelled at one wearing a green leather jacket, big wiry islamic beard, floral shirt with open collar, blue flares and cream and brown loafers. His 'wife' was wearing head to toe black tent. (she had nice eyes though I will say, havent a clue about the rest).
But now I have revised my opinion. The reason they dress so weird and wacky is because they are. They are totally out of step with modern life, even to the basics most of us take for granted, like making sure you don't go into a crowded tube stinking of garam masala or RDX.
Think carefully, and ask me how many famous muslims do you know? A strange question, but they do comprise 1 billion of our earth's population. You'd honestly think that they'd be quite a lot of famous muslim scientists and philosphers. The odd islamic composer or internationally lauded playright. I mean, even the French have come up with the occasional good author. The best I can think of is Cat Stevens and Muhammed Ali. Thats a pretty shitty inditement of a pan-global culture.
But if the media say the latest "atrocity" "bears all the hallmarks of..." again I am gonna scream. They have been saying the same damn thing for years, I think we've got the message by now. Terrorists are actually craftsmen, hallmarking their atrocities with various signs, interpretable only by 'experts'. Complete idiocy of course, and in their own way, I think the journalists are wearing brown and cream shoes too.
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22 June 2005, posted by Doctor Jeep.
Good things about car culture
I have read with interest the governments willingness to ban just about anything that is remotely antisocial. From toy guns, to smoking, to large trees in people's back gardens. True, they probably are a social menace, but not exactly on the scale of killing 150000 Iraqis. I am still trying to get my head round why the government thinks its bad if I smoke in public or mess around in my garden with a toy gun, and yet the government thinks its good that 150000 Iraqis died in their last squalid war of adventure. Give me a smokey pub anytime.
Anyway, it does strike me that cars are a real social evil. I can't imagine anything more polluting, socially dysfunctional or downright dangerous. I drive a car, and that is surely reason enough for the government to ban them altogether. However in their support I will draw you to the attention of the little hand signal everyone makes when you are polite and give way on a busy double parked road. Yep! all motorists give little Hitler salutes. Keep your eye open, they really do.
in case you didnt realise, we have now our own sponsorship deal and cod server at
83.149.90.146:29500 ...
Read more about it.
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20 June 2005, posted by Doctor Jeep.
 GD gets its own CoD server
83.149.90.146:29500
No doubt you have already noticed the proliferation of corporate advertising vandalism on the site ... well, in return for that we get a server that we can't get banned from! Read more about it.
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26 May 2005, posted by Doctor Jeep.
Human Rights
Since when has torturing small furry animals been a human rights issue? I still see, long after the legislation has been passed by parliament, loads of posters and tractors with the slogan "defend your rights, defend hunting" or something. Now, I may be on a limb here, but killing animals isn't a basic human right. water, housing, food, and a nice wholesome game of Call of duty are human rights. I'll go as far as to say that I could live every day of my life and never once worry about my human right to brutally hunt a small animal with a pack of baying dogs. Or maybe I just don't understand the ways of the country.
I have an awful feeling though that if torturing animals becomes a human right, then so does rape, incest, paedophilia, murder and larceny. Actually, when you think about the history of the british landowning aristocracy, it all becomes horribly clear. They really do think they are fundamental human rights.
I notice that the toffs who invaded the house of commons physically assaulting people got a few hundred quid in fines and a discharge. probably bound over to keep the peace as well. oooh. that will stop them! they'll think twice about marrying their sister in some blood-crazed fox-death ceremony in future.
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14 May 2005, posted by Doctor Jeep.
GD dot com is back in google
For some reason, or maybe for no reason at all, for an entire year our site got no traffic from google, except for some image searches about nazi women. Now we're getting hits from google searches. I'd just like to say, if you are a new visitor from google: Bugger off! We did ok without your sort for a year and we don't need you!
If we were a business selling stuff online we'd have been absolutely shagged by google. A G. listing is pretty fundamental to a successful online business, which is just madness. Imagine a world where the entire economic wellbeing of its citizens is determined by the caprice of an insane computer and a couple of billionaire geeks ...
and google doesn't even work very well anymore, too much bloat, too many "preferred sites", too much spammy advertising. I could go on and on about how shite it is but I can't be arsed.
But some good news
At last fireglow have raised a one finger salute to the idiots at CDV and have asserted copyright. Yes, that means that Sudden Strike and the Hidden Stroke pirate mod that were hawked and promoted at CDV have been taken off, along with the sudden strike forum.
far from being a disaster, its the best possible thing that could have happened! See the official Fireglow forum here, I wish FG all the best of luck with sudden strike 3 and the other titles they are bringing out. I just hope to god they go nowhere near digital jesters.
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20 apr 2005, posted by Doctor Jeep.
Hurrah! New pope announced!
In a welcome break with tradition, the Catholic church has at last read that book they keep banging on about and elected someone of real character and christian understanding. Pope Bendicks LXXXIII is acclaimed for having the strength of moral character to resist the Nazis in WW2 and unlike all his jew bashing bavarian chums didn't join the Hitler Youth. He has promised to try to help the misery of AIDS in Africa by lifting the moratorium on condoms, has stopped going on about gays as he says its none of his business, he has already invested several women as cardinals proudly proclaiming their equality, and has opened the vatican library so everyone can read its dirty secrets.
To celebrate this new era, we are glad to announce the relaunch of Am I Hitler or Not?
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10 apr 2005, posted by Doctor Jeep.
Charles and Camilla tie the knot
 Despite the almost universal indifference of the British public, Our favourite royal adulterers have tied the knot. Hurrah! Eshewing the typical dress of a standard wedding, Prince Charles elected to wear a skirt and Camilla looked ravishing in her Parachute regiment gear. I suppose that as they are divorcees anyway, and that there is no pope at the moment to moan about gender morality, they'd just go the whole hog. Not something I'd do myself, but I admire their courage.
And I'd like to proudly announce the formation of the GDsob, which will no doubt be burning injuns and arabs long into the night at a game server near you. |
07 apr 2005, posted by Doctor Jeep.
UK general election called
A general election is ok as far as it goes, but I'd like to see a field marshall election. that way we can really get some democracy going on. We have all these admirals, field marshalls, top level senior civil servants etc with access to weapons of mass destruction and we can't vote them out!
Now I distinctly remember Tony Blair standing up in the house of commons to say about Saddam Husseins amazing magic WMDs. In fact, Tony Blair stood up and said that a balsa wood remote piloted aircraft could deliver a WMD payload within 45 mins. this was a remotely piloted aircraft with a range of AT LEAST 2 miles.
and the media isn't crucifying him on it. they just let him off saying such fucking absurd rubbish. and meanwhile ...
You gotta ask yourself who really does have all these weapons of mass destruction. who has the money for private hospitals while our NHS patients are getting eating alive by bizarre flesh eating bacteria? Who is bombing the hell out of some shitty third world country? And which, more importantly, party wouldnt have done the same?
I am gonna sit this one out.
argue it out with edpow here
05 apr 2005, posted by Doctor Jeep.
The Pope is dead now
suddenly now he's dead I feel all guilty about taking the mickey out of the poor old guy. Well, not really.
Anyway, I would like to convey on behalf of the entire clan our deepest sympathies to those he has left behind: his congregation of billions, his beloved nuns and all his 'nieces' and 'nephews'.
Our attention though must fall on his successor. JP2 was ok as popes go, but I think for the next incarnation we probably need someone a bit harder edged, with a more business and marketing mentality. After all, only 1/5 of the world's people are catholic, which means well over 4 billion people burning eternally in hell and godless heathens rampaging the globe sodomising each other and taking birth control pills. Clearly unsatisfactory by all accounts.
What I propose is that our very own Richard Branson should be next encumbent. Not only has he a first-rate business brain, but can also fly a hot-air balloon and would look smashing in a papal pullover. Also, very little rebranding of the papist institution will be needed.
31 Mar 2005, posted by Doctor Jeep.
Gravely ill woman, Terri Schiavo, dies. no not the pope, the other one with the feeding tube from the news
In a brave stand against President Bush's warmongering do-goodery, the last bastion of free speech in America drew her final breath. I was just one of the multitude of our great internet public watching in horrified admiration the struggles of president bush against the evil tyranny of the communist hordes as they starved her to death. If only there was a little more religion, that way we could have as many spasmo martyr popes as we could count. Don't forget, all life is sacred, and masturbation is technically murder. So for gods sake turn off that download and put it away.
And as a lesson to us all, I think it heartening that even though Terri Schiavo was in a coma for 7 years, she still found time to have sex with her husband twice a month.
26 Mar 2005, posted by Doctor Jeep.
Stupid!
I thought that after a couple of years of not buying any music I'd splash out and register my absurd consumer vote for Dakota by Stereophonics. its an ok track, a bit derivative, but hey, we all love those 3 old chords!
I found though that the CD I bought has copy protection, which means that I cant play it on my computer. Worse still, that copy protection means that I can't play it on my venerable (but expensive) old CD player. So what the hell have I bought? some shitty jewel case with a useless disc.
So, in order to actually hear the song I legitimately bought, I had to get it by downloading from the internet on an illegal filesharing network.
I say well done to the recording industry! someone pass me the vinyl ...
24 Mar 2005, posted by Doctor Jeep.
Link to the glorious Grossdachshund
The amount of hits we've been getting lately has been going down and down. This is mainly because of people not backlinking to us, which just isn't fair! We put a lot of effort into this site after a few beers and it would be nice if it started climbing the google rankings again, and even nicer if people actually visited!
So, if you have a website, link to us. It doesnt have to be a great website. It doesnt even have to be popular and it doesnt really matter what its about. It can be all about badger sex for all I care. (Actually
I do care. Why did you make a site about badger sex ffs?).
link to us, then
send me the URL of whatever filthy site you are making and I'll link back. :)
and ...
GD wins major site awards!
I have no idea how prestigious they are. they probably just give them out to any old shite, which suits this website just fine.
13 Mar 2005, posted by Doctor Jeep.
Der Führer ruft, GD voran!
Or rather, we need more recruits for our
CoD squad.
Our games are always played at weekend evenings, except the ones that aren't, and we'll take on just about anyone except Stephen Hawking, who would be crap on team speak having to type his replies into his voice thing with one finger.
All you have to do, if you own a copy of Call of Duty, is to fill out
this form.
26 Feb 2005, posted by Doctor Jeep.
The Pope is Gravely ill
Everyday you read the latest news of the pope's agonising and drawn out death.
Just the other day he had a tracheostomy, which is the surgical removal of most
of the throat, leading of course to such unpleasant side-effects as not being
able to speak. As he lost that ability some time ago anyway the surgeons probably
figured noone would notice.
So, you have the Pope, most likely a sincere believer in the Godhead Immortal,
in angels, saints, Virgin Maries, and (above all!) Heaven, clinging on to life
with
mad tenacity when most normal people would have just stopped and thought
"well, this is rubbish, I can't control my bowel movements, I can't talk, walk
or even use the nuns, I am gonna take my chances with Judgement".
Anyone
would just go to the long sleep, then sit in blissful eternity at the right hand
of St Peter. The question is,
What does he know that we don't?
22 Feb 2005, posted by Doctor Jeep.
Dresden and all that
Now, if I was a German, the last thing that I'd be harping on about is the war. I mean! if you were a member of a nation that only 60 years ago went totally mental and killed something like 50 million people in a depraved satanic orgy of death its probably the last thing you'd like to bring up! But, you gotta hand it to 'em, just for sheer cheek its quite admirable really. Its the 60th anniversary of the Dresden firestorm, and its all over their news media. I hate to be realistic, but if a nation declares war on the entire world, and wipes out 27 million Russians, 6 million jews and god knows what else in the process it shouldn't really complain about losing: and lets face it, losers get the shit end of the stick. Hard cheese, Germany.
Even more shocking is the deplorable moral attitude of the High command.
Read more about it here in our exclusive report..
14 January 2005, posted by Doctor Jeep.
At last! some news!
I've been in talks with fireglow about publicising their new title, Sudden Strike 3. Afterall, the clan and I have been playing their game for over 3 years now (and some members for 4!). For a bargain price of about £40 we've had years of fun ... compare that to buying a boxed set of lord of the rings movies, and it works out as amazing value for money. It doesn't include all the cash we've spent on beer though, so maybe its more expensive than I thought. Anyway, I offered to put up a banner on the GD site for them, and I said that it must be under 170px wide, but can be any length. OH god, I am such an idiot. they send me one that is 160px wide but is the length of four football pitches (in laymans terms, if you put all the football pitches in the world and lay them out in a straightline, it would go to the moon and back 4 times, which is equivalent to 6 billion.). Anyway, check out the new stuff they are releasing at
sudden strike 3 developer's website.
New book about Hitler
Just had an email from a guy who's has written a book all about Hitler, I have no idea whether it's any good or not (not having read it), but it seems like a fair enough idea. The premise sort of reminds me of the GDclan, only its serious and Hitler doesn't play computer games, Goering doesn't live in kent and Colonel Mustard survived.
It looks like its an independant publication, and I am all up for helping out the little guy. See the website at
http://www.georgethomasclark.com/.
24 November 2004, posted by Doctor Jeep.
New Look GD Site
Well, it was 6 months in the making. not solidly mind you, I had to find time to do stuff like work and chasing women, but it took a long time nevertheless. Many thanks to bWare for supplying most of the technical backbone, and to all the other clan members who have helped out.
I'll be rolling out some new content over the next couple of months, but for now you'll have to make do with the eye candy.
Gentlemen, With websites like this, we cannot lose!
11 August 2004, posted by Doctor Jeep.
Sudden Strike - Arms for Victory
Crumbs, we wait ages for an update of the RTS title sudden strike,
and suddenly there are two on the horizon. It looks like
Resource
War will be out in the autumn, and
Sudden
Strike 3 - Arms for Victory out sometime next year. Its
a fully 3d game involving tanks, boats, planes and tropical diseases
and quite simply looks astounding. A publisher for this title is
yet to be announced, but I have a feeling this game could be big!
Check out the screenies. No doubt
I'll be posting more info soon.
06 August 2004, posted by Doctor Jeep.
Sudden Strike Resource War
Its gonna be out soon!
click here for
our preview, kindly sent in by fireglow. Now why can't all games
companies be nice and send me stuff? On second thoughts, don't answer
that, I don't want to know.
26 July 2004, posted by Doctor Jeep.
Back from the War and Peace show
4 Clan members went on a
campaign of drunken
slaughter at this big militaria show ... read more about it
here.
16 April 2004, posted by Doctor Jeep.
CDV bans anyone from GD
this is beyond a joke now. CDV are just banning everyone from GDclan
regardless of their own behaviour. Banning by association is something
that the germans really shouldnt do. I was always worried about
a German software firm that released title after title about the
second world war where the germans generally win. Now I know why.
Sadly I dont think its about the money.
visit our
activist site, and have a go at them
on
their
forums.
08 April 2004, posted by Doctor Jeep.
CDV bans 3 clan members for "being wise asses"
Hurrah! CDV have at last seen sense and banned Tef, Doctor Jeep
and Gapiro from their forums. Obviously, we are outraged by this
and urge all Dachshunders and right-minded people to publicise our
plight by posting on the
CDV
sudden strike forums.
more information regarding the status of the "Dachshund 3"
can be found at our
activist website
(http://www.grossdachshund.com/free/). Please, for the sake of humanity,
post
it at CDV. After all, it could be you next.
06 April 2004, posted by Doctor Jeep.
New German band wants you to visit them!
Managed by Herr Bluetooth, famous for his RWM maps,
EL34
are currently undergoing a punishing tour of several exam rooms,
but after they get all that crap out of the way I hope things start
getting interesting for them! I have had a word with Richard Branson
and he says he may be able to get them either a record deal or a
one way flight to Ecuador. (not really).
Their name intrigues me. I remember working with valve amplifiers,
tuning and repairing them, and the EL34 was a type of power amplification
tube used in audiophile quality amps. rated about 20w as I remember.
If these German lads have named themselves after a thermionic valve
(heh, I am a bit of an audiophile at heart), I am going to have
to recommend you spend all your pocket money on their records and
tshirts.
Check em out at
www.el34.com.
03 April 2004, posted by Doctor Jeep.
CDV are Mentalists
Not big news there, but did they really have to go public about
it? As you probably know, CDV fired all of the UK office "while
trying to escape", so they went off and built their own games
company '
Digital
Jesters'. One of their titles is a direct competitor to CDV's
Codename:Panzers. Basically you get to control a couple of tanks
and zoom in and out of the battlefield from a variety of different
viewpoints watching your men die.
On the digital jesters forums, a post appeared offering to compare
the two titles. With lots of screenshots and eulogistic text. Thats
right,
the CEO of CDV was posting on a rival's forum promoting
one of his own games! Read it here
http://www.digitaljesters.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1494&page=1&pp=15.
This is a forum equivalent of those swedish websites that show page
after page of gruesome images. Its car-crash reading at its finest.
Now, if the CEO was drunk out of his mind while doing this I guess
you could give him a bit of respect for being a drunken fool. We've
all been there, particularly at the end of marriages and the beginning
of the month. I have a horrible feeling though that it was done
while under the influence of nothing more than a bottle of sauerkraut.
The thing is that I view these two "tactical 3d" games
in the same way as I would two feminine hygiene products. One may
well be better than the other, but I can't see myself buying either.
I hope to god the CDV of CEO posts on our forums. I think I will
write him a letter of invitation ...
16 January 2004, posted by Doctor Jeep.
New WW2 RTS
Digital
Jesters are co-publishing a new ww2 RTS, due out in April. Titled
"
Desert
Rats Vs Afrika Korps", it features full 3d, 70 different
units blah blah blah.
check
it out.
It isn't the long awaited heir to the now dated sudden strike series,
but it looks pretty sharp ... and may even be rather good. Maybe
I'll be able to wangle a sneak preview! who knows?
10 January 2004, posted by Doctor Jeep.
GD site wins major gaming award!
Well, its not all that major tbh, but hey, anyone who likes
our site MUST be pretty cool.
They run lan parties or something, and have just started up. Drop
in sometime and say Hi!
http://www.lanpartyz.com/
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BEER AND HONOUR
