Iraq Crisis Diary - a daily Bulletin from the frontline
This is not propaganda designed to sway a sensibly sceptical public.
Its all really really true, honest. Check back daily!
By
Edpow
April 04
This broadcast has been made under Allied wartime restrictions
In an amusing parallel to the events of 9/11, America has used all
the technology it has at its disposal to reproduce the drama and
tragedy a thousandfold! Americans do not shelter behind cowardly
suicide bombers, but instead use their brave cluster munitions to
take out enemy cities! Already the people of Baghdad feel the true
vengeance of America for the evil attacks on the world trade center,
even though they didnt really have anything to do with it. But hey,
they are poor and wear rags on their heads.
To back up our claims that it is a just war, we can site at least
4 canisters of warfarin and some potentially lethal cough medicine.
Also, its jolly tough for our boys out there so you should just
shut up and leave war to the professionals.
In other news:
An attack on Baghdad's international airport has been launched,
according to Axis officers.
Coalition forces are targeting Saddam Hussein International Airport,
12 miles south west of the city.
Most of Baghdad was plunged into darkness following a power cut
and massive explosions have echoed across the Iraqi capital.
Air Marshal Hermann Goering, commander of Dachshund forces in the
Gulf, said the advance on Baghdad was the most impressive military
manoeuvre he had seen.
He said: "They will be writing about it in staff colleges for decades."
Axis forces have taken part in a fast-moving two pronged advance
on the city.
The Axis Army's 3rd Infantry Division, backed by the 82nd Airborne
Division, closed in from the south west as Axis SS troops moved
in from the south east.
On the approach to Baghdad itself scores of burnt-out Iraqi army
vehicles and dead fighters littered the roadside.
Thousands of Axis military vehicles moved across the Euphrates River
after taking a bridge at Musayyib, a town with a distinct lack of
vowels, 35
28th March
Allies open first mobile voting booth!
In a bid to win hearts and minds, captured Iraqi soldiers
and mutilated, starving civilians have been offered a free chance
to vote on whether they wanted to be liberated and killed by the
latest US-UK offensive!
Jeb Bush will be personally overseeing
this latest allied initiative and we expect the majority of Iraqis
to overwhelmingly endorse the appropration of their oil reserves
by the trustworthy and responsible American administration.
Our glorious soldats are involved in a huge panzer battle in which
the enemy has been ripped apart. Troops of the
dastardly Iraqi
forces attempted to break out of the besieged city of Basra,
but met with the
glorious Desert rats panzer division, who
annihilated the enemy column, destroying over twenty enemy tanks.
Our glorious panzers outflanked the enemy while supressing fire
was laid down by the soldats of the infantry with mortars and Panzerschrecks.
Our superb panzers accounted for twenty enemy tanks and more armoured
vehicles, before the enemy retreated back to their city hell hole!
Stukas then provided the necessary ground cover to ensure
the
battle was won by our glorious soldats!
Our allies have finally opened a new Northern front in Iraq, where
they plan to advance southwards to Baghdad to join our glorious
soldats coming up from the South. Our glorious soldats are making
Southern Iraq safe from the Iraqi dictator's evil grasp, so that
liberated people of the Dachshund may use them as for Lebensraum.
Meanwhile we are taking miles of sand in western Iraq unopposed
as our superior forces sweep forwards. The Iraqis have failed to
defend the valuable desert areas of Iraq and
many sand dunes
have now been liberated! The sand, in its desire to belong to
the Dachshund for superior road building material has actually been
throwing itself at us in a sandstorm so it may be liberated.
The Iraqi forces are threatening to use chemical weapons on our
glorious soldats however we will take revenge for every soldier
killed using chemical weapons, with comprehensive strikes against
those responisble for damage to any member of the Dachshund advance!
Iraqi forces are now losing control of their own people. 2000 workers
and volunteers are attempting to leave the city of Basra to
start
working for the Dachshund authorities before they are even officially
liberated, showing their desire to be working for the Dachshund
and help in the creation of more jackboots! Iraqi militia forces,
incompariable to our own Volkstorm, attempted to stop these 2000
people in an act of treachery as they try to halt Jackboot production,
but are being thwarted by
the shining beacon of glory that
is the state of the Dachshund!
The Iraqi capital received a pounding with axis "bunker-busting"
bombs and a reported attack on the Baath party headquarters by Heinkel
111 and Stuka bombers.
People of the Dachshund show that they are not only efficient, ruthless,
cold hearted people earlier today when a Kriegsmarine ship docked
in Umm Qasr, liberated early on in the war for its distinct lack
of vowels and clear need of Dachshund influence. The ship contained
many tons of aid to help the workers of the new Dachshund
state start up production of high qualitiy jackboots and leather
jackets as soon as possible!
Iraqi troops are in full retreat and in an exclusive press release
to "Der Sturmer" the glorious Fuhrer, Tony Blair, announced from
the NummerZehn Downings Strasse Flak Bunker that the
war was
and is going to plan!
This is Edpow1 reporting from the Front Lines!
March 35th
Iraqis not playing fair and resisting
Support Our Boys!
Ignore the facts. Ignore the law! just support our soldiers bravely
dying for our beloved leader Tony Blair! Remember, it is now illegal
to download pirate anti-war songs, and anybody doing so will have
their credit rating blacklisted.
Already our brave soldiers have secured several important sand dunes,
and in several major newspapers we have seen the royal family delicately
doing nothing.
Forget the humanitarian crisis! our brave troops have already secured
several key objectives, we just don't know what they are yet.
Perversely the arab-based news channel ALbaniabeera refuses to transmit
our propaganda. Dont they know there is a war on? surely they should
transmit nice happy images of joyful panzers and not children with
no arms and legs?
In a direct contravention of the geneva convention, Iraqi children
have been defending themselves against depleted uranium.
This is a Just war, honest, we are sending all these third world
people to heaven just a bit quicker than normal.
March 35th
[news from doctor Jeep]
New Smart bombs developed to offer "news bulletins in advance"
By the time you have read this, it will all be true! Coallition
Forces are now so technologically superior, and evertyhing is running
so much to plan, that we can now confidently issue news bulletins
before we actually write them!
People of Dachshund! the Iraqi's are a real threat to your personal
well-being, and will stop at nothing to prevent you from downloading
mp3s and pirating software. Already our valiant cruise missiles
launch themselves in suicide bombings, and brave squadrons of scientifically
trained Dolphins look for mines deep in the Iraqi desert.
This is a war unlike any other, except for the last few, and the
Dachshunder High Command expect you to stand resolute against the
Iraqi's, whose defiance is deeply worrying to several very high
placed vested interests.
Victory will be Ours in Days, maybe, we just don't know which yet.
And now over to Edpow:
People of Dachshund, hear now the
latest
news broadcast from Reichsminister of Information, Herr Whittman
...
Click here for transmission 1,
and
transmission 2.
March 25th - DAY 6 All times GMT (Grossdachshund Mainland
Time)
Heute's news
Der Sturmer
7.30am: Second British war fatality announced
9.30am: Umm Qasr declared 'safe and open'
10.15am 50 Iraqi tanks 'halted outside Basra' by our glorious
Panzers!
Noon: Fresh blasts in central Baghdad
12.30pm: Fuhrer announces meeting with Benito W. Bush tomorrow
3.00pm: Frequent blasts outside Baghdad
3.45pm: Luftwaffe Me-262 jet destroys Patriot battery after
being 'locked on'
5.10pm: Iraq forces fire on civilian 'uprising' in Basra
Glorious soldats from the Dachshund advance, despite the fierce
weather and various annoying arabs defending their country. Our
troops come every closer to the enemy's capital as every second
goes by. Iraqi losses are high and in the first pure panzer battle
of the war, Panzers of the Dachshund destroy nearly twenty enemy
tanks as they try to break their way out of the Basra encirclement.
People of this city, upon hearing news of the incoming troops of
the Dachshund are attempting to fight off the forces of the evil
invaders as they show their Dachshund Party membership forms, secretly
hidden throughout Saddam's regime.
Victory is near!
Saddam Hussein has been described as sounding like the eternal enemy
of the Dachshund and notorious leader of the Untermenschen, Josef
Stalin! This encourages our brave soldats even more to vanquish
the evil dictator. Our glorious soldats will not pause until
their
task is complete, for the good of the Greater Dachshund!
The people of the Dachshund fight for three things! People! Party!
and Patriotism. Our glorious soldats are
showing the world the
might of the Dachshund!
The Iraqia have shot down as helicopter from our allies, but we
are sure of victory, as shown by the devastating effect of our panzers
as they humiliated the Iraqi armour earlier today! The enemy capital
of Baghdad has been continually pounded by the glorious luftwaffe
in raids reminiscent of the Blitz. We march forwards together for
victory!
Axis forces launched punishing attacks overnight on the Publican
Guard divisions that are already calling last orders and forcing
the squaddies to accumilate outside the kebab van so they can attack
the townies.
Iraqi resistance, contrary to boasts by Saddam Hussein's regime,
was "patchy" and "sporadic", they said, and the assault on Baghdad
was on schedule.
Overnight He-111 bombers attacked the ring of defences around the
city. The dull thuds of the bombs could be heard in the city centre
more than 30 miles away.
The axis have taken 3,000 Iraqi soldiers prisoner, while "many others"
had deserted, not including those that our brave rocket launchers
have liberated from their lifestruggle with our special peace bombs.
The Iraqi troops may also be planning on using chemical weapons
against axis troops, but the Fuhrer has stated that he will strike
back on every Iraqi responsible for any form of gas attacks. Union
Carbide officials have stated in advance that their corporation
is in no way responsible.
This is news correspondant (GD)Edpow1 reporting.
March 24 ...
Headless Civilians Face Imminent Liberation
- Special American 'peace bombs' liberate thousands, whether
they like it or not. "We know whats good for em", says
General Frank.
DER STURMER!
Heutre's headlines!
DAY 5 of our glorious campaign
All times GMT (Grossdachshund Mainland TIme)
3am: MoD announce 2 British soldiers missing
8am: Saddam appears on Iraqi television
8.30am: Stray US missile kills five in Syria
9.30am: Iraqi TV shows downed US gunship
3.30pm: Coalition will soon encounter key Republican Guard
division, warns Fuhrer Blair
3.40pm: Fresh blasts in captial of the enemy's main city,
Baghdad
4pm: Announced that British solider killed in action
People of the Dachshund are reflecting upon the loss of one of our
glorious soldats in fighting against
treacherous Iraqi troops
dressed as either soldiers ior civilians. This is an absolute disgrace
and goes completely against the Geneva Convention. Our
brave
soldiers march forwards wearing full military battle dress,
including heavy leather boots and full length trousers in the
blistering
heat of the sun. If we were to stoop right down to Iraqi levels
we would have to let our troops march forwards in T shirts and shorts
with flip flops and suncream. This is jsut not acceptable. We are
playing by the rules of war, Der Sturmer emplores that all Iraqi
untermennschen soldats should follow our examples and
fight properly,
play cricket and drink tea! There is no honour in killing a
man without full battle dress on!
Our glorious troops avenge the death of their fallen kamaraden and
keep marching forwards to smash the eveil troops of the Iraqi fiend,
Saddam Hussein. A pre recorded messege of the
Dictator of the
oppressive regime was shown on Iraqi Television today, in which
he foolishly promised his troops a victory he can not deliver. We
will soon crush the fiend and secure the middle east leather supplies.
An Iraqi general claimed that the following was true, "Our brave
and heroic forces have shot down up to five fighters and two helicopters.
One fighter was shot down near Baghdad, another near Mosul, a third
at Akhtar Rashid, a fourth in the Taji district, another in Basra.
A helicopter was shot down at Mosul, another in the Samara area."
As reporters like to say, there was no "independent confirmation"
of these claims.
We can confirm that
this is complete and utter rubbish as
the Iraqis become more desperate for things to inspire their almost
crushed forces.
People of the Dachshund will strike hard and fast at the capital
of Baghdad as we destroy the Iraqi divsions on the way to the fiend's
capital.
This is the
true story of the war and for what is happening
to those fools who try to fight our powerful, superior forces. "24
March 2003 - He was barely visible beneath the pile of rubbish
a decomposing Iraqi soldier forgotten beside the road, flies swarming
around his blood-soaked hair, a helmet upturned next to him. Earlier,
dogs had been gnawing at his hand."
This scene is not uncommon as the terrified Iraqi criminals flee
leaving their dead comrades form our
overpowering advance.
The dead Iraqi's body provided a stark reminder that local forces,
armed with rusty, yet effective, AK-47s had come up against a far
mightier blunt instrument in the shape of the soldats of the Dachshund.
Yesterday, droves of Iraqi soldiers continued to surrender to the
axis forces. In the southern Rumaila oilfields alone almost 1,000
men were held in a temporary prisoner-of-war camp.
These vicotries for the Axis forces in Iraq are undenyable proof
that the Iraqi foe is
weakening by the second and we will
soon have victory over all enemy forces!
Our glorious troops led by the Fuhrer will soon achieve the victory
that is ours by right and we shall pravail over our foe!
Saddam Hussein probably survived the initial cruise missile bombardment
of his bunker in Baghdad but received minor injuries in the attack,
the Dachshund Government said yesterday.
Der Sturmer says to all our troops that it is t
heir duty to exert
a swift and brutal revenge on the Iraqi forces left in the country,
as our panzers roll ever forwards we will be victorious!
(GD)Edpow1
March 23 ...
Breaking News-------------------------
Recent developments from the front, since the last press release,
have encouraged the Fuhrer to release this extract from a conversation,
recorded earlier today,
In a special interview today (GD)Edpow1, from the GD Propaganda
Ministry, questions the Fuhrer on the latest developments and what
really is happening, with news direct from Nummer Zehn Donwingsstrasse
Flak Bunker. This recording and extract has been carefully monitored
by experts from the Ministry of Public Information and Propaganda.
The interview was conducted over MSN, the latest GD field communication
technology.
Edpow1: Mein Fuhrer, can you verify the reports of missing
planes?
Tony Blair, our genious Fuhrer: The axis forces say they
are not missing any planes, our glorious pilots would not be shot
down from their magnificant Fleugzeugs by petty Iraqi withering
gunfire! The people of the Dahcshund know this, and they know this
as fact!
Edpow1: According to enemy reports one airsoldat has been
captured, another is on the run, reporters from axis forces tried
to find him before the fiendlicher Iraqis, but they are still looking
and only iraqi soldiers are allowed where the parachute was seen
to have landed. Sources say they burning the reeds to smoke him
out. Some axis forces say they are missing aircrews apparently.
Can you confirm this mein Fuhrer?
Tony Blair: That was hours ago Edd, didn't you get the release
from the Ministry of Ordinance, through the ministry of Agriculture,
sent via a correspondant from the Ministyr of Flower Arranging?
It was that simple.
Edpow1: Plus reports say that some of our allies soldiers
were captured and some killed on top of reports saying that parachutes
were seen in Baghdad and al Jazzera tv claims one airman has been
captured, what is your response to these alligations, from Al Jazzera
Broadcasting, mein Fuhrer?
Tony Blair: you believe Al Jazzera?
Edpow1: no
Edpow1 : but lots of people been talking about this parachute
going down
Tony Blair: If an air man had ejected over central baghdad
i dont think they would be able to capture a glorious soldat of
the Dahcshund, most likely he is trying to find the evil leader
himself and take over the country, all our soldats fight gloriously
for the Dachshund! Who are the 'lots of people?' Are they eye witnesses?
Fritz take down the details of every eye wittness and send out Gestapo
units, immediatly, oh excuse me Herr Edpow1, as i was saying, I
think it was probably a dirty rumour or that some kind of debris
from the weak enemy vehicles landed in the Tigris and then people
there started making up sories which spread like chinese whispers.
I will emphatically state that no Airmen have been captured, and
all our soldiers fight ever onwards for every Dachshund loving person.
We have Ein Volk, and everyone who is part of the Volk shall never
forget these momentous days and the sacrifices of our soldats in
securing the Middle East Leather trade! To our glorious soldats
i say, keep fighting, yours is a just and worthy cause, onwards
to the heart of the enemy's empire!
Edpow1: Jawohl mein Fuhrer, Sieg Heil Sieg Heil, entschuligung,
i was taken over by emotion just then. Your words, as ever, mein
Fuhrer, encourage and inspire the people of the Dachshund! Your
words are the truth, but please, we have little of your precious
time left, what of the soldiers of our allies, led by Beneto W.
Bush who are reported captured and dead?
Tony Blair: The prisoners from our allies who have been taken
and those who are dead were probably part of small logistics convoy
tht took a wrong turning out in the desert and got caught by Iraq's
weak, untermenschen slodiers. This is put down to poor map reading
and lack of understanding of logistics and an inability of the Fiendish
Iraqis to put their road signs in English, as well as Arabic. I
am afraid i must now give a speech over the Dachshund Radio service,
it has been a pleasure talking to you, and sorting these "issues"
out.
Edpow1: Danke schon mein Fuhrer, your words are comforting
to use all in these difficult times.
There you are, the words from the Fuhrer himself, direct from the
Downingsstrasse flak bunker. To summerise, the reports of the troops
led by Beneito W. Bush being captured may be true, but all other
things are lies based upon no fact in an attempt to stop the ineveitable
crushing of Iraqi forces under our superior force's heel.
Key postitions have been taken by our panzers which are continuing
northwards towards Baghdad, with the region's leather supplies no
longer in doubt. The port of Umm Qasr will be opened within the
next 36 hours for the shipping of leather jackboots to the heart
of the Dachshund. This glorious news comes as our troops claim to
have advanced 300 miles into enemy territory, accounting for the
territory taken to get our troops to the borders of Iraq, that means
we are now looking at a vast empire of thousands of miles!
The superiority of our forces is now showing has our panzers roll
onwards! The people of the Dachshund sing the marching songs that
the panzer commanders sing to show their support, soon we will have
total victory!
This is war correspondant (GD)Edpow1 reporting on behalf of the
Ministry of Propaganda.
22nd of march.
Its all going according to plan, Honest
Columns of our panzers march towards the
lair of the Iraqi beast,
with thoughts of the Fuhrer and the greater good of the Dachshund
race keeping them sustained as they continue day and night through
the
heartland of the enemy. It is obviously clear that the
superior Dachshund troops led by the Fuhrer from the Zehn Downingsstrasse
flak bunker are doing all the work, due to our casualties being
just under double those of our allies. Furious fighting by the Dachshund
troops stopped our allies retreating and forced them on forwrads
with the same will and
desire for glory that we know drives
our men onwards. The immense propaganda machine, led by John "Goebbels"
Simpson, is stepping up a gear as reports of
captured towns
filter through from the front. Our glorious head of propaganda is
said to be advancing from the north on his own to link up with our
panzers within Baghdad, as he did in the Spainish Civil War when
he "liberated" Kabul for the greater good of the Dachshund and for
the Reichsminister Whittman's total control of the poppy fields.
Our allies have halted outside a town, whose name i can not pronounce,
meaning it is obviously foreign and free from Dachshund influence,
therefore it is a breeding ground for Untermenschen and must be
"liberated".
Our troops march ever onwards to the sounds
of Marching songs and fight their lack of sleep by drinking unhealthy
amounts of Schnapps and pillaging the local women.
Baghdad is continually rocked by massive airstrikes as we fulfilled
the Fuhrers promise that if one bomb landed near our soldats, one
thousand would land near theirs. For the four missiles fired at
Kuwait, and our glorious soldats,
4000 bombs have now been unleashed
into the heart of Baghdad creating a city of burning Persian rugs
and opium dens, the smoke that usually surrounds the city is reported
to be thicker than ever tonight. Our howitzers are firing upon all
targets available, including small cats and paperboys using their
new weapons to help in the war effort, while young soldiers from
the Hitler Jungend, or "Labour youth" service shoot cats and paperboys
back home with their air rifles to reenact these brave events on
home soil, in preparation for their calling to the front.
The propaganda ministry is upping its efforts as
our troops advance
on all fronts! Turkey, our uneasy ally, has, in recent years,
been showing a great interest in the solid leather jackboots of
our soldats, there is now a fear that they too may wish for a share
of the middle eastern leather supply, so occupied Greece has an
army group stationed ready to strike at a moment's notice against
our ally to keep the leather free for all pure people of the Dachshund!
report live on the field from
(GD)Edpow1
End of transmission----------------------------------------------------------
21st March
Panzer terror!
The people of the Dachshund awoke to the sad news of the lose of
eight of our soldats and four of our allies in a tragic air crash,
should the war be lost we will testify that this was a war crime,
however, if it is won, as we think, then these men will have not
given their lives' in vain allowing people of the Dachshund to own
as many pairs of leather jackboots as they desire! Our panzers roll
forward to the jackboot fields of southern Iraq and onwards to the
heart of the enemy's territory. The brave soldats of the Dachshund
never stopping once to rest will soon ensure total victory. The
Luftwaffe have kept up a constant bombardment of the enemy forces,
who continue to fight on, despite the odds. To these foolish men,
we salute your deaths in aid of our target practice!
20th March
It's War - troops met with stiff resistance by people throwing
stones and bits of furniture
On the eve of battle our troops prepare for the great assault, at
6pm the great offensive begins with artillery and rocket fire, the
panzers roll forward with increasing spped heading for the vital
Leather supplies for yet more jackboots! The Fuhrer's emotive speech
was a work of genious persuading all who would not support war to
shoot themselves before the SS did so! Our troops captured the towns
along the evil Untermenschen's borders. British troops Have taken
a large port and the bombing of the enemy's capital has continued,
as promised for the four missles launched at us, we respond with
Ein Thousand times the destructive force! The heart of the enemy's
empire burns as the victory comes ever closer.
19th March
War is hours, but thankfully thousands of miles, away
The Grossdachshund Division are gloriously supporting our troops
as they march forwards into battle against the Imperial Guard Of
Saddam Hussein's inferior troops. The victory is expected to be
quick and easy, against troops with inferior equipment moving East.
Tony Blair has therefore decided to call the new offensive "Operation
Barborrossa" As the British troops take a Blitzkrieg that should
be over
before the end of the summer.
Britain's new world order in Europe has been established as we clearly
ignored the French at the negotiation tables, as every strong nation
has since the Treaty of Versailles!
Tony Blair will
lead the troops from the front, in his UberFuhrerDowningStrasse
Bunker, situated in a secret location in London. With the backing
of the National Socialist Westminster Bank our superior axis with
our Allies is reminiscent of the Deutsches - Italian pact in which
the s
trong, pure powerful troops allied with the only army
in the world to have tanks going faster backwards than forwards!
Leading the charge into the "Lair of the Iraqi Beast" will be crack
SaS, abrieveated to SS Kommando units from the elite Bavarian Guard
.
In honour of our military heritage and disregard for humanitarian
aid the GD Clan will be giving full coverage of what really is happening
in Iraq and what is going on behind the closed doors of the Fuhrerbunker.
Day to day coverage will give you all the battle coverage you
could need. Gentlemen, Mein Herren, I give to you, the war diaries!
18th March
Direct threat and blatant propaganda
The leaders of the axis of power issued a
direct statement to
the Iraqi fiend! Our glorious Fuhrer, and his fellow axis leader
Benito W. Bush gave Saddam 48 hours to leave the country, but with
all the roads blocked, he can not escape, making war inevitable
and the ability to achieve our objective of securing the Middle
East leather supply for Jackboots and Gestapo uniforms well within
our grasp.
Kamaraden, diese ist Geschichte!
17th March
UN Council
Our glorious Fuhrer has finally stomped upon the League of Nations
overthrowiung the humiliation of Versailles and ignoring the French
entirely! The plans for invasion have been openly laid down and
our
brave troops are preparing to attack. While George W.
Bush gave his speech, glorious foreign minister Jack Straw actually
"mooned" the French ministers humiliating their entire weak country.
We are now heading for war! The Fuhrer sends out a telegram
to each soldat wishing them luck and to show no mercy in the annihilation
of their enemy!
16th March
Azores Conference
The Fuhrer has stated there is a
clear threat to the supply
of cheap Middle Eastern Leather and that will ruin the current optimum
supply of cheap Jackboots to the soldiers of the Dachshund.
Once
again the French spies tried to infiltrate the conference with
ideas of fighting only for oil, however the SS guards were on hand
to deal with these fools. Spain, long term ally since allowing us
to bomb Barcelona to the ground in their Civil War are well on our
sides.
