Call of Duty
In war, no one fornicates alone

As the end of the war came ever closer, the desperate high command of the GD clan raised one last levy for the defence of the Rauch. Schoolboys, Grandmothers, pet hamsters and inanimate objects were all hastily signed up and given rifles. Sent to the front, they bravely defended their homeland by cowering near bushes and in toilets.

Surrender, of course, was never an option unless no one was looking, and the Glorious Gross Dachshund Division prepared its silly hats for one last ditch heroic trip to the VD clinic.

This is their story.

The Birth of a Legend.

As the remains of army group centre quietly and politely capitulated to the Bulgarians in Northern Spain, the GD High Command saw the need to open a new front against the Allied hordes who were touting their newfound uberskillz in a manner that offended and bemused Dr Jeep. An urgent call was sent out across the land for volunteers to turn the course of the war in favour of the only dictatorship to base its constitution around the pickled vegetable. Young men clamoured in their thousands to join up, however these were deemed to be too precious to the propaganda industry making films about the Division’s glorious victories, and so only schoolboys, grandmothers and pet hamsters could be spared for the defence of the Vaterland.

Those that you see before you are the brave volunteers, conscripted in to bulk up the ranks of the Glorious Grossdachshund Division, immortalised by Standenbach’s poem “Those bloody bastards again.”

Training was rushed, with many of the old grandmas and hamsters being drafted into the Panzer corps, leaving only Schoolboys, old men and those who had got lost whilst hiking in the woods to stand firm against the enemy. After watching several war films about the forthcoming battles, such as “The Longest Day” and “Battle of the Bulge” the GD boys knew what to expect, however many were disappointed when Tele Savalos failed to show up at the fuel depot during the Battle of the Bugle, causing wide spread mutinies amongst the general practitioners across Clacton and Putney at the lack of autographs. The Division commanders saw the best way of training the men as throwing them straight into combat, and so it was that the Division’s rifles and machineguns were armed with hamsters and grandmothers to fire at the enemy. After getting lost in several pubs and losing all of the allocated Panzers in a poker game the soldiers of the GD Division arrived at their first port of call, Pavlov. It was here that the division was to learn the harsh realities of war. In his famous war memoirs, “A Belgian Fiddler of Iron Thunder,” Edpow1 recalled the horrific sight that greeted him as he arrived late into the battle.


“The carnage was immense, several passing motorists noted that it was just like the film “Battleship Potemkin,” but with less ships, fewer Russians and more silly hats…and they were right. The key to the routing at Pavlov was our inability to realise that the men should fire the guns, and not the guns firing the men. This came through a lack of proper training and the need for silly hats.”

The division was badly mauled; many historians blaming this on Dr Jeep’s decision to send them into battle with the standard issue M40 silly hat, and not the new improved M65 silly hat, which he insisted on being a fighter/bomber hat, delaying production of this new weapon. The blame does not lie solely in this lack of planning, the Russian forces were using their new Pelzsturm hats, which were simple and rugged, allowing many thousands to be created in the vast Russian factories, with many labourers finishing of their hats before wearing the into battle, direct off the production line.

The consequences of the battle were simply ghastly for the division; moral was at an all time low and cheese consumption doubled leaving many feeling bloated and groggy.

The tale of the cook battalion in this encounter is particularly engaging, showing the spirit and fine culinary skills, which would become trademarks of several restaurants in Clapham.

Cook Gapiro, Ladel of Copper, 8th class, was in charge of a small flotilla of gravy boats as the battle began. As he led a headlong retreat into the forest behind the lines he realised he could not read a compass and was actually charging the enemy position. The Allies, shocked to find their bootlaces had been sabotaged and tied in Granny knots by trained German Shepherds, were quickly overrun by the gravy boats, resulting in the GD High Command having enough time to slip down to the offy before hastily retreating back to the Tabbycat line.

The key problem with the offensive at Pavlov was the fact that the GD clan had no training and were therefore brilliantly led, but poorly commanded. Dr Jeep realised this problem and ordered the entire division march to Bognor Regis, in an attempt to improve German Knitware magazine’s overall sales figures. This stroke of genius almost worked, had it not been for the fact that there was a high tide and several old women singing Edelweiss on the Berlin – Mannerheim road.

The Grossdachshund Division had shown that throwing Grandmas and inanimate objects against a professionally trained, silly hat-wearing foe was simply not going to work. By proving this the division was bound to become stronger, leading to subscriptions being cut down to Three Marks a week, a new all time low!